Navigating A Health Scare PT2

Speaker: 00:07
Hello, hello, hello. Welcome back to YNA Mental Health. My name is Sina Balouch. I am the co-founder of YNA Mental Health. Today's episode is a part two, and if you haven't had a chance, I highly recommend going back and listening to Navigating a Health Scare Part 1. Today's episode is focused on what happened, why did we do what we did, and what were the results in the end. So buckle in and I'm excited for you to learn more about what happened on our journey. So in a quick recap, we go back to learning from my doctor. We had done a CT scan and nothing had grown. So the next step was to do another checkup in six months. That checkup had come up in about uh January. I had been I'm holding off on doing the CT scan simply because I had not seen any change in a while. I haven't felt any pain or anything. So I felt like everything was okay. And I just wanted to continue on without having this loom over my mind. When we got into March, I had felt something weird, and I had explained this to my girlfriend, and she had insisted that I go and get it checked. And we were up for the uh point to get checked, and so I went in and I did my next CT scan. I had felt that I was just gonna come back with no growth. We were going to be able to move on and move on to the next year of the process. I go into my doctor's office, and he does tell me that there is actual growth. There was a growth of two millimeters. The feeling of the word growth had shocked me. You know, when you read on a piece of paper that has everything that's telling you all your results, it's scary to see the radiologist point out that this is growing. And in that moment, I I remember a a felt like a weight was on top of me again. You know, the stress of and the feelings that I was going through everything really hit me all over again. And I could feel myself getting a lot of anxiety, because now we have known that it has grown. But two millimeters, as my doctor had said, isn't much. But what started to frustrate me was the mental shift of this is nothing to this could be real or this could be something. And with that, that kind of brought back the uh emotions of that what happens if this is cancer? You know, what happens if we don't act upon this? What happens if it does get into my bloodstream? And then the other question was, what happens if this isn't cancer? What happens if this is all just normal, I guess? Even though the process really wasn't as normal as you could think it is. At this point in this whole year, I've done three CT scans and I had gone to the doctor a lot. You know, and from somebody who is navigating a health scare, you know that doctor visits are very stressful. I think what really the biggest part that I struggled with the most with my mental health was the constant unknown and uncertainty. When you're sitting there and you are trying to battle with your own mind and on a decision that many people would do differently, you know, and you've been given so many different answers, it really put me into a place of um struggle. I didn't know what to do. You know, I had so many people telling me that I need to go get it removed. I had so many people telling me that I just need to keep going and to keep testing it. And that was the hardest thing that I had to keep dealing with. Um and I don't know how much longer you can really deal with something like that, right? And as someone from that's sitting here who has um dealt with navigating a health scare, um you you do understand that the constant doctor's visits just don't bring any uh positivity into your life. You know, when you're stuck at a road in the fork of the road and you have to come to a decision, that's when it becomes really hard, right? Where you are the one, you are the captain of your own um ship. So one way is um detrimental to your health and the possibilities of something really affecting you, and the other path is the unknown that you could keep going and hoping that everything will be okay, um, but it's gonna be a continuous mental toll on you because it's going to take a while until you're back into the position. So if if you're anybody who has been as has seen a not a cancer scare, but has been shown a part of you that could be possibilities of growing for cancer, once you go back and they've seen growth, um, the testing becomes back to the beginning where it becomes three months, six months, one year, two years. And that is consistent. So this isn't something that you just kind of push off, which I did because we had already been past the one year mark and there was no growth. So I thought I would I I was hoping that I was in the clear, but finding out from the new CT scan, we were not in the clear, depending on who honestly looks at the results. So with all this negativity, I just I struggled with coming to the decision. My doctor again pushed me not to go into surgery. He had mentioned that it is not the right move. It this could be could be a highly chance that this could be benign. And his biggest uh thing that he said was, I don't want to uh take out a healthy testicle. You know, and for me that kind of rang a bell in my head because I don't want to lose a healthy testicle. But the biggest problem that I was continuously coming back to was what happens if this isn't? If this is cancer, if this does, it it's the risk and reward, right? And so that process really pushed me to make my decision. Before I did that, I had gotten another doctor's opinion on um just my results, and he had mentioned that uh he would get it removed. He had said that this is something that should you shouldn't worry about or loom about anymore. Even if this isn't cancer, it's not worth keeping and finding out that it is. And so with this struggle came a feeling of unknown of what I wanted to do. You know, I I had sat there and sat there and sat there, and I had gone back for over a year in my mind about what to do. Like, what would surgery be like? Um, how could I handle all of that? Who would help me go through all of this? Would I tell my parents about surgery? Who do I trust? Uh, if you remember from the first episode that uh it was really difficult for me to talk to my parents about this, so I never really felt support from them. And in that process of not feeling that support, like why would I go and tell them? Because if I haven't felt support now, are they magically gonna start supporting me? And and into a not into a level of like physical support or uh financial support, it was more of an emotional support. If you are somebody who has struggled with emotional support from family members, you know that it's difficult to just bring up anything. It makes you feel as if you have to be careful about what you say and how you um portray things. And so I had discussed with my uncle at the moment, who is a radiologist, and he had mentioned that, you know, you have your whole life to tell them. Like I in his recommendation, he wanted me to go into surgery, and it was, in his opinion, the right move. So I had about three doctors telling me to go into surgery and one doctor telling me not to, and that one doctor not telling me not to is my urologist. So what did we do? When you're sitting there trying to make a decision, you'd hope that the people in your corner are giving you the best outcome for you, like the best kind of uh prediction of what they can do. How do I move forward with a decision that I'm unsure about? How do I move forward and make the best decision for myself? Uh, with all the uh opinions all surrounding me, what can I do that could truly put me in a better position? You know, and I really sat and thought about my future, and I thought about the biggest thing was uh do you want to worry about this for the rest of your life? And no, I don't. I don't want to sit here and worry about what's wrong with my testicle or why do I feel pain in this area? Or now I have uncertainty again. Um the mental toll took a huge drain, it drained me. You know, and every day I was drained from all of the medical tests, the doctor's visits, the unknowns, the uncertainty, me going back and forth in my head, trying to make a decision, talking to other people, getting their opinions. I was so exhausted from opinions. I was so tired of hearing from what other people thought that I didn't even realize what I wanted to think. So I had to really sit with myself and process like what is the best decision. So with the best decision in mind, I knew that I didn't want this to hang over my head forever. I do lose a part of myself and there is no going back after the surgery. And if it isn't cancer, we will deal with that bridge when it comes. And if it is cancer, then we dodged a bullet. And so, what were we going to do? I had decided to go into surgery and get the surgery done. It was come to a point where I had realized that I promised myself that if we did see growth, that we would go back, go into and do the surgery, as I mentioned in the first episode, the first part. I called my doctor's office. I called my doctor's office, they just said, call and you can set up your surgery. It was really difficult to set up the surgery, not just from my feeling perspective, but just the logistics. Doctor's office was difficult to work with. It was a lot of back and forth. I was kind of trying to find a time that worked best. We finally got a time, and then they canceled that time and gave me a whole new time. And there was just a lot of difficulties just trying to sign up for something that I thought was something very serious, and I would hope that the hospital will take seriously as well. But in the end, it felt like they didn't do as good of a job as I hoped and put my trust into. So now in this process, in the first part, Navigating a Health Scare Part 1, I had talked about going through this alone. And now in navigating a health scare part two, I'm I want to share that I have a partner who has supported me all the way through it, and what the difference was like in part one and now in part two. In part one, I remember feeling the loneliness of going through it all. You know, you have your friends, and that's awesome, and you can talk to them about these things, but it feels different when you can talk to a partner about a health scare. And so I'm very grateful for the person who came into my life and truly um saved me in these, in this, in my mindset and what I was thinking, being there for me in the hospital room, being there for me post-op and just all around uh took care of me when I needed somebody to lean on. There's a very big moment that it it it kind of made me realize that I don't want to keep this over my head. Not simply just because of me, but this has been a massive struggle for my mental toll, and it hasn't helped my relationship. It's just something that was on the fence and I was struggling with it personally. But being able to talk to somebody emotionally and being vulnerable with them was absolutely incredible. It truly made you feel like you weren't alone in your choice. I felt so alone in the first year of doing it by myself. I felt like I had no one to talk to. You know, you have I have I have so many friends that all reached out to me and they all told me that I could reach out to them whenever, and I had talked to all of them about it, but for some reason I still felt the loneliness inside of myself. And with that was the hardest part was that my parents didn't uh give me the emotional support I needed, and when your partner steps in to give you that emotional support, it changes everything. It's just something that I am so happy that I didn't do the surgery back when I first found out simply because going into surgery and having a partner there just made all the difference, and it's something that when I look back on now, I'm I I truly have no words for that person and and they know who they are, and I just wanted to say and I and I know they're gonna be listening, and I just want to say thank you. You did so much for me, and I'll never be able to repay you back. But I want to remind you that uh just like you said to me, I've got you. And sometimes that's all you need to hear, right? Is that I've got you that brings so much help and takes away the loneliness in the whole thing, right? And so without the loneliness aspect of it, and you feel like you've got a team behind your back, it's like, what can't I take on? So going into surgery day before, a week before you're not allowed to take any uh Tylenol just because of blood thinners. So I know I could take ibuprofen, but after three days I couldn't. Uh I had to stop drinking and eating after 12 hours before the surgery, simple things. Wake up surgery day. I'm I have to shave my beard and I had to pull out my nose ring, and I had to take off my necklace. My necklace is something that I'm I really cherish simply because it's my brother's chain, and I I don't take it off almost never. I hadn't pulled out my nose ring in two years since I got the nose ring, and I haven't shaved my beard in easily a year and a half. So it felt like someone was taking my identity away from me. And I think that's what really hurt me on the day of surgery, uh, was just the feeling of like all of me. I would I was telling my friends this that I was going back to default factory reset mode. And so I remember uh shaving my beard, and one of my best friends uh was coming and visiting me to help me through the surgery. Uh he had shaved his beard for me in solidarity, and that was probably one of the most emotional moments for me because that's when you know you have some you have people behind you. I had actually a lot of my friends flew in for the surgery and had received so many great messages from people who uh who are looking out for me. And again, like if if you're anybody who's struggling with health scare, like your friends are people you need to lean on in these moments. Your family are people you need to lean on in these moments, and I'm so grateful for the people that came and just made my life better in those moments when I couldn't make my life better, I couldn't feel better. So as as we're going in, we I'm getting all cleaned up, getting ready to go in, and they give me my anesthesia. Going into uh I I knew this uh the anesthesia was hitting. Um, but for some reason, um Halo, Halo 3 popped up. It's a video game that popped up into my head, and I started singing the ending mission of Halo 3 going into the surgery room. I was going dun dun dun dun dun. And so that's when you knew that the anesthesia was really working. This uh surgery was about 45 minutes. Uh I don't remember any of it, thankfully. Um woke up, uh, they put me back into my room. I wanted to get out of the hospital as quickly as possible. I'm not the biggest fan of hospitals. I've never been. And so um the second I was able to be able to get out, I got out. So we were about we were out in like less than 30 minutes. My all my friends had met me at my home, and they kind of they not through a party, but um, we're really welcoming, and uh we played a lot of great board games that night, and I felt so loved in that moment. I've never felt more loved in my entire life than in that moment to feel the the presence of everybody being there for you and picking you up when you're down. And I think that's what really plays a big perspective for other people who are struggling uh with a health scare. Like I want I want to let you know that you need to lean on the people around you. You need to be able to put your trust and your feelings and your emotions into other people. Because if you don't, you're going to struggle with it on your own. And I know in these moments, like uh a lot of people can say that I don't have somebody that close. Like, you know, you're very lucky and great and very um grateful to have all these people in your life, but I don't have that. And so like what I would tell those people is you need to find someone, one person that's the closest to you and just lean on them. And so in those moments, it's just up to uh how the person communicates with you, how the person listens to you that listens to you. And I think these moments I look back that the people who showed up for me um made it easier. And so if you have anybody you can rely on, I I'm please, I I tell you now, like it it it saved me, you know, it made everything easier, it made my life easier. If you can find at least one person, um, two people that can trust that you can trust to take care of you, then I think you're going to be in a good shape. So now going into post-op, what was what was the feelings like? What was it feel like to have two or three inches cut? And um what was the it an anatomy like? Like not seeing your testicle there, like how was it? Uh was it weird? What did you feel weird? And you know, like I I think the weirdest part of the whole thing was like the feeling of it not being there anymore. It just you you have the option to get a floating uh testicle, if you would like, a prop. But uh I I had read a lot of places and a lot of people didn't enjoy them, and I didn't want to go that route, so we went the the one ball route, as a lot of my friends would say. And that was really, really tough. Just because you had to grieve the loss of some part of you, you know. Um when it comes to grief, it's something that you do need to uh take seriously. And when it comes to surgery and losing a part of you, it's not something that you can just magically turn around and be like, I'm good. You know, you have to realize that you have to grieve that part of you. And it took some time to really feel the emotions that, you know, like losing a part of me, losing something that I was basically came to birth with and lived most of my life with and now don't not having it is was really difficult. Um it was really difficult to grasp. And so and it was a reminder every time that I looked like what I had what I had gone through. All the mental toll, all the and a lot of people would say, you need to reframe your mindset, and I totally agree with you, but in a moment of grief, what I always remind people if you've lost somebody who is super close to you who you deeply cared about, I I think the one thing you gotta remember is the is the time that you've shared, and I know it sounds weird that I need to spend time with the testicle that was a part of my body, um, and share the love for it, but it's not about sharing the love for it. It's about reminding myself that I made the right decision to put every other part of my body as a priority. I had gotten a shirt that said my balls tried to kill me. You know, that was one thing I requested for my friends. It really brought humor to the difficulty of what I was going through, and it felt very something that I can grasp onto. Uh I know in these moments a lot of people would say humor is not the best option, but I think humor is truly something that can really put a smile on your face after a difficult time, you know. When you remember someone who you lost a long time ago, what you remember is those funny memories of whatever you did together and how they made you laugh or how dumb they acted or whatever they did. It just brings so much happiness because it brings back the memories that you had uh felt. And so going on to figuring out what happened, what were the results, I first want to talk about the cost. You know, a lot of people are wondering like, how much does this kind of surgery even cost? And so the surgery itself was $35,000 without insurance. So if you are somebody who is wondering, like, okay, what were the differences? I'm very thankful and grateful that I have insurance. You know, I don't think I could have shelled out $35,000 for a surgery itself, like that's pretty insane. It kind of just shows our healthcare system, right? Like, if you don't have uh health insurance, how difficult it can be to repay something like that back, um, and how difficult it puts a financial struggle on yourself. You know, one of the biggest things I worried about was the financial aspect of it. Like, how much was the surgery going to cost? Which part is I had called my insurance and I had asked them how much it would cost me, and they didn't know. And I called the hospital and I asked them how much this would cost me. They just gave me the flat $35,000 without insurance. We have no idea how much it would cost you without running your insurance. So once the insurance went through and everything, they showed me a price and the final cost was with insurance $1,800. $35,000, $1,800, complete difference. You know, right? Like that's a huge, that's a night and day difference. And so I want to I don't know how much emphasis I should put on this because simply because a lot of people aren't given good health insurance and our health insurance system isn't great in the United States. I'm not sure if you're listening to this from a different part of the world, but if you are, just letting you know that this is the cause and effect of what health insurance looks like in the United States. Like how much you have to pay your doctors compared to how much insurance covers. Insurance covered most of it. I have a Blue Cross Blue Shield HMO insurance. I don't know if that helps anybody make a better decision on what insurance to choose. But it is something that I hope that you do take seriously, especially if you do have something serious going on in your life, because uh healthcare is not cheap in the States, unfortunately. And it can be scary for a lot of people because could you imagine that you're struggling with something and like you're scared to go to the doctor because how much it's gonna cost you in the end of the day? And if you're living paycheck to paycheck, how do you even afford going to that hospital visit? Like, how do you even make the money to be able to because you have to take time off of work to go into the hospital as well to do all of this? It's just a lot of time that you have to put aside for it. And if you're putting that time aside, you're most likely not making the money for it, and that's what causes a lot of people difficulty. And so I feel your struggle. What really took a toll on me was the medication. So I was prescribed um hydrocodon and with Advil. And so I had to take one pill almost every six hours, and the hydrocodon it helped, you know, it helped the pain a lot, but there were some issues with the side effects of the hydrocodon. Um, constipation was a really big issue, and so one of the biggest problems was going to the bathroom was really difficult because when you try to go to the bathroom, it pushes on that area, and you're in so much pain already that it just doesn't make you want to push, and since you don't push, it just doesn't work as well. So milk of magnesia was really important, and I did take um laxatives. So those were things that really did change for me and helped me a lot. Just the medication, it just it's really hard to deal with. The side effects are really, really hard, and so constipation is huge, you know. I uh you also don't want to be in that moment feeling like that and be constipated because it doesn't make you feel any better. So I highly recommend milk of magnesia. Try to beat the side effects, um, because you're going to be taking painkillers. And if you're someone who did doesn't take the painkillers, good for you. I could not have gone through that pain without painkillers. It was like the cut, it wasn't even the loss of the testicle that hurt, it was the cut itself that was extremely painful. I'm very thankful that my doctor put these like special stitchings in so that I didn't have to go and get them removed, they just kind of fell off, and that really made a lot of things easier. So I think the other big aspects of it was staying hydrated, like you needed to stay hydrated so your body didn't um have any other side effects that came in. Um you can't drink. That was a that was something that uh they made a really big um emphasis on simply because you can't drink on painkillers, it's not a good idea, don't do it. Um a lot of people die that way. As my doctor says, that's a rock star's death. So the recovery was about a week until I felt at like 70%, 60% of myself. I had really hard time walking, I had a really hard time running, I had a really hard time doing anything that was movement-wise. I was getting out of bed was miserable. I stayed in bed most of the time. I just watched a lot of good TV shows and just tried to keep myself busy as much as I can. I do work virtually, so that really did help me in the end. So I didn't stay too bored. If you know me, I'm a workaholic. I I work non-stop. Um, so being uh in a bed where I was not doing anything was not something that was that that takes a mental toll on itself. Boredom was huge. You know, like you can't allow boredom to take over because then you'll start pushing yourself, pushing your body past its limits, and you gotta be careful. So the big question is, is uh your parents, did you ever tell them? Like, why did you ever what did you ever say to them? I was told by a lot of people not to tell them simply because I I couldn't. It was just a moment that made made this decision, uh, and I knew they wouldn't understand that, and I knew that they would cause me more stress, and in the recovery process, I needed less stress just to help myself heal. I think that was the biggest perspective that I really had to come to within myself was that this is a time where I really need to heal. I don't need people calling me and asking me what's going on and and how I'm feeling every single day. Like I just needed peace. And the peace is what helped me heal a lot faster. As you slowly, as every day goes by, they mentioned that you would start feeling a lot better. That's exactly how it felt every single day. I felt just a little bit better, a little bit better. Um, I used ice packs, that really helped help the aching and the pain and the soreness of it all. That just that was really difficult um to deal with as well. And just like the constant, I I called myself a medicine soup because I felt like I was just on a ton of painkillers and it was just really not giving me the feeling that I wanted to feel as like a normal human being. It just I just felt not good with on top of everything. And so what I told my parents was two weeks after the surgery when I was able to walk again slowly, I I I had told them, like, hey, I'm I did the surgery, this is what happened, this is where I'm at, and so uh and they were really shocked about that I jumped went and did it. Um they were very frustrated that I didn't tell them, but I think they understood in the end about the decision that I made for myself because I had to make myself a priority. And that was the biggest perspective that I needed to keep in in my mind was that this is for me and not for anybody else. So I need to remember that what I need to do best for myself is putting myself first. And I know that can be difficult when you're navigating a health scare and you need support from people, but you don't need the stress from others, you don't need you don't need to know what they're thinking or or anything about that. You just need to focus on what you're doing and simply putting yourself first. And if you can any and if you can do that any way possible, always do that. Uh simply because after surgery, it's you and your mind and your body, and you all have to work in a symbiotic form to heal yourself. Because healing just doesn't come physically, it has to come mentally as well. And you know, after the mental toll of going to surgery and doing all of that and being on painkillers and everything, like it takes a toll on you as well. It drains your body, it drains your mind, it drains who you are. And so you need to make sure that you are healing everything. And that was my main perspective to my parents is I needed to heal. You know, I needed to sit in time and sit and take care of this. Um, I was very lucky for my partner to be there to help me. She did a lot of the research for me. Um, again, so grateful to be able to have someone that you can just lean on when you need it the most. And so when you're in those moments, uh I recommend if you want to talk to your parents, if your parents aren't very emotionally supportive, I I say wait on telling them. They're just gonna cause you more stress, and that's not what you need in those moments. It's not for everybody, right? Some parents are more supportive than others, some parents will be very, very frustrated, some parents might not even talk to you after not telling them. But uh what I have talked to other people about what they did, I've seen both sides of the story, and I'm very glad that I made the decision. I know it can seem from another person's perspective weird, and uh you may think that that was a really dumb move of me. But my I know my family, I know I know the decision that I had to make. And so if you're somebody in that position who you see yourself um connecting to what I'm saying, then I highly recommend just waiting because again, you need to heal your um your body first. And so now that we're coming to the end of the podcast, the biggest thing was the results. What did the results say? And it was really funny because like I had gotten in my results back and I I gotten a call from my doctor and I didn't answer it and went to voicemail, and so I he didn't even he told me through a voicemail. This is the biggest moment. Um I felt my heart drop, and when I heard his voice, it was scary, you know, because you don't know what is about to happen, you don't know what he's about to say to you. After all of that, we had come down to the results of a light cell tumor. Now, you're probably wondering, what the fuck is a light cell tumor, Cena? Basically, what a light cell tumor is it's a type of tumor that is This is where it gets tricky. It's not that it's not cancerous. So my doctor had told me that 90% of Lytic cell tumors are benign. What benign is means is they're not cancerous, but it has a 10% chance of becoming malignant. Uh malignant means becoming crack cancer, and then metastasizing is when it enters into your bloodstream and it becomes what can't bad cancer is. And so my doctor at the end of the results of the post-op was like, there is a 1% chance of you getting this. And I was like, that's my luck. And so we had asked them the other questions like what are the chances of this coming back in the other uh testicle? What are the chances of my other parts of my body still having a tumor or anything like that? And he said the chances are low. Um, I've been given tests to go do, to go do my testosterone levels, to go do an abdominal scan to make sure it hasn't spread anywhere. But from the test results, it had said that they've gotten all of the cancer, and so I am very grateful for that that we didn't get anywhere. And so, how did I feel about all of the results and what was it like? And how do I feel now? You know, in the moment everything stopped. I had gone through some time to struggle within myself. I know back in the first episode, I had talked about how finding out that it was benign would kill me and it would shatter me on the inside. I felt sad, but I felt grateful. And one of my my roommate had said something really important that stuck with me, and he said, How lucky are you? You know, like this is everything that could have gone right. You should not be looking at this in any other form of way. Uh you're extremely lucky. Be grateful for what you got, and in the end of the day, you're f you're healthy. You know, take that, don't take that for granted. Don't take being healthy for granted, because that's important. Be grateful that they took all the cancer, you know, we we got it all done, and uh we don't need to go into chemo. That was probably one of my biggest fears was chemotherapy. Uh, I had heard from many different people in many different stories that it's not the best, and somebody had told me that they had many different types of medicine now that for chemotherapy, but you know, I just kind of wanted that to be the last thing that we crossed. So I'm very, very, very grateful that I didn't have to do chemotherapy. And in these moments I look up to God and I I I count my blessings, right? In these moments, I had prayed a lot for my health. It was tough, you know, there were points of times where I was alone still trying to figure out how to feel about all of it. But in the ending results, when I'm sitting here now looking at the camera, looking at like talking to you, um, I have to say that I made the best decision with the information in front of me. And would I go back and do anything differently? No. I know that this was the best. I don't have to worry about this anymore. I don't have to loom in fear and be scared of cancer or any type of cancer. I don't have to go do crazy doctor visits anymore. I don't have to do CT scans, and I'm just grateful, you know. Like you take a deep breath within yourself and I think you hear it in my voice that it's just a sigh of relief. You know, feeling the relief is unbelievable. Um a lot of people don't get to feel this, and so I am I'm truly blessed, and and I I know I've said it a million times on this episode, but I am truly grateful for everything that I have been given the chance, the opportunities to continue pushing on. So now that we've come to the end of this journey, uh I just want to encourage others to seek answers. Don't be afraid. It can be scary, it can be terrifying, I get it. If you see something wrong, get it checked out. If you don't feel right, go get it checked out. Um you could be dodging a big bullet. And uh in in the end, I know that the the best decision was that decision. And so I if I could give you anything, if you could connect to anything in this episode, all I have to say is please go seek the answers. Because sometimes the answers will give you the relief that you need, or they'll put you on a journey that ha will change your life, but it could be the journey that saves your life in the end. I just want to come and give some gratitude to all the people in my life. I can't thank you enough. I if you're listening to this, I'm so grateful for you. Thank you so much. When people show up for you in silence, you never forget that. And I will never forget this because people showed up for me in moments where I wasn't able to show up for myself. And so if I could remind you anything, please, please, please remember you are not alone, and I can't wait to catch you on the next episode. Bye.