Speaker 1: 00:03
YNA is a podcast that focuses on mental health and other aspects related to what goes on inside a person's head. We are by no means professionals on this field and only way to make these conversations about mental health easier for the listener. Nothing we say or talk about is professional advice unless explicitly mentioned. If you seek professional advice or experience symptoms of an actual mental health disorder, please contact a professional or visit your closest sector for behavioral health. You are not alone. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome back to You Are Not Alone. Our last conversation is on grief. I'm here with Stacy Tucker. And Stacy, would you like to introduce yourself?
Speaker: 00:40
Sure. I'm Stacy Tucker, and I lost my husband. It'll be eight years this coming November. And it's definitely been quite a journey of healing, gratitude, big, and growth.
Speaker 1: 00:58
So I think we can just start off with the first question of trying to understand grief and trying to get a good explanation for our listeners. But I think the one thing I really want to focus on is the whole bounce back and the whole feeling of just coming back to who you are. Because when you do go through a period of grief, it becomes difficult to ever see like the light at the end of the tunnel. It feels like you're going down a very dark tunnel. It doesn't seem like you'll ever come out at the end of it. So I have to ask, how did you bounce back? What got you started into that process of wanting to bounce back as well?
Speaker: 01:31
It's a really good question. Um, you know, I loved my husband. I had a really good marriage, and he was older than I. And we just were a really good match. It was quick, unexpected, and I was devastated for a really long time. I had one child who was 16 who uh was very devoted to his father. It was difficult. It was dark days for a long, long time, and I sought help. Uh I white-knuckled it for about five months, and I went to grief counseling. And I pretty much think that that saved my life and started me on a journey to the light because oh, it was dark for so very long. It really came down to gratitude. I was so lucky to have what I had, that so many people in this world never had what I had. So that's really what saved me was gratitude.
Speaker 1: 02:30
What was the hardest part of the grief? I would have to say, if for me, I would say it was definitely me just trying to get more of a balance of my emotions and not allow the memories and the past experiences to come flooding back in because that's when my emotion, like that's when the I would have to say like the dam would open up and the water would just start overflowing of just emotions and feelings, and it would just would never lead me into the right place. So, like, what was the hardest part about it?
Speaker: 02:58
Trying to, I guess, you know, I'm older than you guys, and I'm super glad that you asked me to do this because I've always been a firm believer that you can't put a price on life experience, and the older we become, hopefully we learn from our mistakes and get better at things. I had to find out who I was, was the biggest thing because I didn't know who I was without him, and that was really hard, and it took a long time, and just to get to know myself as Stacy again at 47 years of age, being married 23 years at the time, and dating him five years before that. So, most of I met him when I was 19 years old. So, most of my life, adult life, I was with him. So that that was a really interesting journey. I really felt like I had to be healthy in order to be okay for others. You know, my dad always told me, it's very simple. I'm okay, you're okay. If you're not okay with you, you can't possibly be okay for anybody else.
Speaker 1: 04:01
Right, right. So, did it affect you? As uh as you said, you do you did have a son who did go through the process as well of grief. So, did it affect you as a mom as well?
Speaker: 04:11
Oh gosh, yes. Oh my gosh. I made so many mistakes. I tried the best that I possibly could. My grief for him was even more for mine. So I carried my grief and I carried his grief. He was 16 and devastated. It was very, very difficult. And our relationship struggled for a few years. It was difficult. I'm happy to say now he's a mama's boy, self-proclaimed, and we have a great relationship together for sure.
Speaker 1: 04:41
That's incredible. It feels like with a lot of people that they like, I would have to say what I've heard and what I've experienced is like they kind of lose like track of like everybody around them and they feel as if they kind of have to deal with this by myself. And it's honestly like if you can just share your emotions correctly and not allow them to and just give you give yourself the boundaries that you need to share in the right spaces is so important. But I would have to ask, how did the people around you respond? Did they respond in like a positive tone? Did they help you? And what did they do to help you like find the light?
Speaker: 05:18
Well, that's an interesting question. My doctor told me that I was in shock for almost two years. So some of it was a blur. I can say that so many people stood up for my family. So many that when I think about it, it brings tears to my eyes for sure. I did fall off the face of the earth for a little bit. I lived in fear. Fear just overcame me. I'm a very social person. I didn't want to see people, I didn't want to talk to people. I think the biggest thing about seeing people was I didn't want them to give me that look of like, oh, you know, I couldn't deal with it at all. So I had many, many, many, many people support me and hang in there because I did check out for sure. It didn't have to do with school or my son. I kind of checked out. And I don't know why. I just went with it because I was just, you know, I think of that time, Cena, like when you're in a swimming pool and the water's up to your nose, and you're just doing everything you can if you're struggling to stay up afloat. And I had to think of me, and I didn't necessarily have a plan. I just, I know that PTSD is a big subject right now for your for this season. And I didn't want to be, let's say, 55 years old and have post-traumatic stress syndrome because I didn't deal with it. So it was difficult. I lost friendships, uh, struggle with my family. My grief counselor definitely talked to me about that, and I thought, oh, that will never happen to me. But it's been a struggle with some of the relationships in my life for sure.
Speaker 1: 06:56
Did your grief counselor give you any tips and tools to help you fight? Like, because like it's all about the tool pack. It's all about getting yourself when you are in one of those kind of modes of um feeling depressed, feeling overbeared, feeling like you're drowning. And it's just that one hand that you need. And usually sometimes that just comes from our tool pack of whether it's walking, journaling, anything like that. So, did they offer you any services? Did you find any services in yourself that you found that really helped?
Speaker: 07:25
Um, you know, Jim Tucker, my late husband, was a hell of a guy. And one of the lines that he said all the time was physical activity speeds up mental acceptance. And so I walked and walked and walked. And my grief counselor wanted me to journal, which I did. It was difficult for some reason to put to read my words as I was writing it. Um, so I wrote letters to myself and to my late husband, and sometimes to Cad, you know, and that was a little bit easier than necessarily journaling and what my day was like. You know, I didn't necessarily want to do that, but it did help, and physical activity definitely helped. And I did never, ever, ever pushed it away. Couldn't speed it up, but I didn't want it to drag out either, if that if that makes sense.
Speaker 1: 08:18
No, that makes sense. And then I think another thing I would have to ask is I feel like a lot of people, once they do lose somebody, they go down the path of like uh spirit and faith and religion and a lot, and it honestly it gives them a lot of healing. Like I would have to say, like my mother went through that kind of phase, and honestly, it did she did go through like a healing, like spiritual awakening for herself. Did you did you go down that path? Do you know, did you have any feelings towards God and how you felt about like just having that conversation?
Speaker: 08:47
You know, I never got mad at God. I maybe pushed him away a little bit, but he was always walking with me. I definitely put a lot out to the universe because I do believe what we give out in life comes back to us and that thoughts are things. You become what you think about most of the time. So I tried to think of the most positive things that I could do. And I was very thankful to God for the time that I had. I also felt through the grief process, which this is gonna maybe sound a little strange to some, my subconscious really took over and it almost was like a superpower that kind of protected me from things. And I really trusted that because for a quite a long period of time I couldn't trust my instincts, which was really weird being 47, 48 years old as a professional, always relying on those in my personal life and in my professional life. And that that was gone for a little bit. And I just kind of let that take over. So it was a very spiritual journey, just in a lot of different ways, not necessarily conventional Christianity.
Speaker 1: 09:52
Okay, okay. And for the focus of this podcast being to help other people and to even help other people who are going to try to help their friends, do you wish at any period of time or any questions that your friends could have asked you that would have helped them understand you a little bit better? Just because I want people to understand how they feel, how someone feels when they're going through grief that they've never experienced. I have lots of friends who have not lost anybody yet in their lives and they're kind of still um in this, I wouldn't say, like phase of that death hasn't really affected them. And I want to make sure that if something ever does happen to them, that they are able to have the right conversations with their friends, with their family members, whatever it is. Is there any questions that you would say that, or anything that you believe that they could ask the person that's griefing or going through some very difficult moments in their life?
Speaker: 10:45
That's tough. Because, you know, your friends and your family and the people that you let in your circle, you know, they love you and they don't know what to say. You know, I don't even know what to say, and I've been through it, and it's um very difficult, and everybody's uncomfortable a lot of the times. I would just say let the grieving person take the lead is the biggest thing. Because not everybody grieves the same. Um, my famous line is is it's your way every day. You could have a twin, and I'm pretty sure twins probably don't grieve the same way. So it's I like I think it's super important to let that grieving person take the lead and you adjust to what they need. It's not about you, it's not about your experience, it's more about them in the beginning, and then you can share more of your experiences and maybe help the person along.
Speaker 1: 11:40
I think the biggest thing that we have such a difficult time to is especially if you're somebody who's never dealt with uh some losing somebody is the power of listening and the power of just, I think when I was a kid growing up and when I lost my brother, all I all I ever wanted was just someone that I could just spill my emotions into and not even have them say maybe anything back, but just the power of them genuinely listening to me and understanding what I'm going through and the feelings that I'm having is I felt was the key to helping me like create better relationships with my friends because when my emotions would pour out and my friends would listen, they would understand. And once they understood, like, oh, like this is like like really like just like a heartbreaking moment. Like, I I I'm not sure if if it was the same way for you, but I've honestly felt like I lost a part of me. And I know I know I would never get that part back. And as you grow, like you figure out like different parts of yourself and everything, but it's just like one of those pieces that just the puzzle never ends up getting complete again. So was there like I would have to try to bring this conversation around and say that if you could focus on three, if you could focus on any group of people, was it the friends, was it the counseling, or was it the family that helped the most?
Speaker: 12:54
Oof, I gotta say the counseling. I got so lucky, so lucky to find my grief counselor. She even took me to her homeland of New Zealand to help me face fears. Uh, it was an amazing track. She would, she's a humble person and wouldn't take credit for anything, but she was the constant, you know, every Tuesday, three o'clock, I was there. Um, it would, you know, friends and family helped too. I don't want to discount that. Um, they had emotions invested, Zina. You know, she only knew Jim through our conversations. You know, she didn't have emotions towards him, um, versus most of the other people in my life did. You know, they had relationships with him, they knew him, they were grieving.
Speaker 1: 13:44
So, with with the feeling of going into counseling, was going into counseling really tough for you in the beginning? And when did you realize that you needed the counseling services?
Speaker: 13:57
Oh, it was it was difficult. Um, I never had been in counseling before. I've always been a pretty sunny side up kind of girl. And, you know, very positive and was able to deal with different things that come came my way. I definitely had lost friends and loved ones, you know, at 47. That's had already happened to me. Um, I would say I white knuckled it because in the beginning I thought that I could heal myself. And then as the months went by, I realized, you know, girl, you are white knuckling it. You're not getting any better. And this feels so awful. So I decided to make the call and, you know, started going right away. And I was very lucky that I clicked with that particular therapist. I know that, you know, sometimes that's a little trial and error on whether you click or not. But um, I was fortunate enough to click with her pretty much immediately. She was a widow herself, so she had, you know, been down that road.
Speaker 1: 14:53
So it seems like she already felt like the connection was there and you guys just really bonded. And and like you said, I believe too that uh therapist and your bond is very important. Some a lot of people don't bond with their therapist very well, and that's kind of like a trial and error. Um, so with the focus of going into counseling, I think what people are having the hardest part understanding is taking the first step and honestly just getting into counseling and understanding how much it helps. Do you personally believe that with counseling and with your tool pack and with all your friends and family that that you could easily get not easily, but focus more on bettering your mental health? And do you do anything now that helps your mental health? Because I know like the emotions don't stop. Like I feel like they would never stop, that they just keep continuing. Um, but they you just get you grow with it and you get better and better every day. It's just like kind of like practice. And so did you feel as if like now being in the present, is there anything that you personally feel as if is going to keep helping you? Is it the walks? Is it the do you still journal? And because just I want to make sure our listeners can get the right steps that they need to keep the process going.
Speaker: 16:07
Well, I'm a firm believer in in therapy for sure. And if the first one doesn't work, go see another one. You know, keep trying to find that fit. Um, I would say the number one thing for me is just being grateful. It's I'm so grateful for the time that I had with Jim and the family that I created. And through the years, I just kept living in gratitude and trying not to think back and have that be like a stab in my heart to appreciate all the memories and the love that we shared. And the self-healing that the journey that I took to get to know myself, I kept that theme of gratitude. And I'm happy to say, almost eight years later, you know, I have a really good life. And I allowed myself to do that, and I told myself it was okay to do that. I don't really know if that answered your question, but I definitely want to hit home on the gratitude part. You know, about your brother, so difficult, so many firsts, so many things are gonna happen in your life that you're gonna wish that he was there for. On those days where your heart is hurting, I know that by now you get to the point where you're like so happy that you had your brother and the influence that he had on you and the things that he taught you, even though it was such a short time. Gratitude helps me get through pretty much everything.
Speaker 1: 17:38
Yeah, I really believe that with our values, with our core beliefs, we can really get through a lot of things that life just kind of throws at us because it I sometimes look at life as well a boxing ring, and life is on the other corner, and its goal maybe is not to beat you down, but to honestly make you a better boxer. And in the end, you use the tools and whatever you have in your life, because life's gonna throw things at you that are not going to be the best of things, whether it is your first death, but there's also beautiful things in life that also go down your uh go down the path, like your first marriage, your first love, your first kiss, and all of things like that. But I I'm trying to get a grasp, and I think the thing that I'm still maybe on a journey that I'm kind of still a little bit lost on is the aspect of like helping other people make sure that they feel as if they can get past their grief and get past the emotions. And and I don't want to say, and this kind of is gonna be kind of rough to say because I don't want to say that death is numbing now to me, just because I felt those kinds of emotions, I felt how it feels like to lose somebody. But can I ask you, do did you ever at one point, now that death does ever come towards you, is it is it something that it like you you've already faced? And so now if a new if someone else that passes away comes towards you, it's is it as hard as it is, or is it something that you can eat you can not easily get through, but something that you can actually use the right tools to help you better your mental health?
Speaker: 19:06
Oh, that's such a great question. And I want to speak to being a senior two-year junior that hopefully through life you learn from things because everybody's got to take a turn. Everybody, stuff's gonna happen. Life is messy. And while you're going through something hard, I really believe that to pay attention to it and learn from it because I do believe and have experienced that the next time it's just a little bit easier. Just a little bit easier. And yes, I can pretty much say that nothing will ever take me out like the death of Jim. I learned from that. I survived. I tell my son all the time, like not only did we survive that, but we're both thriving now. And that's what he would have wanted. You know, when I lost my father 14, 15 years ago, he would have been really upset about me sitting on my keister and not getting up again. And with Jim, I wanted him to be proud of me. When I I do believe I will see him again, Cena. And I want him to look at me and say, look what you did. You had such a great life. I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud that you lived the best life you could live after I lived, that after I died, that you didn't not live because I died. And that's super important. So I feel like for me, I can't speak for anybody else. I try to learn from those deaths that have happened in the last eight years. It's hard. Not saying it's not, but I'll take a little bit easier each time, if that's what I can get.
Speaker 1: 20:46
I I you pointed out on a really good perspective. And I think a lot of people who do lose somebody don't try to put into this perspective or gain this perspective later on in life is how the other person would have felt to be like sometimes I put myself in my brother's shoes and I'm like, where like look at the things you've accomplished, look at the life that you've gone through, look at everything that you've seen. Um, like what how would they be feeling? Like again, like they don't they wouldn't want you sitting on the couch crying, potato chips all over yourself, just lost in life. Like they would not, that's the last thing that person would ever want for you. That person would want you to be thriving, living life, trying to get to the uh pushing the boundaries, pushing limits that you that they would have never they would have loved to see in you. And that perspective is something that I want I want to tell our listeners is just honestly, like it's tough to do, but if you have lost somebody, put your put yourself in their shoes and just look at what they would be looking at. Like you've you've got to understand that in life, things are things come at you that not all of us are supposed to, or not not all of us are meant to live on this planet forever. Like we do go through phases in life and things do happen. So before we go off and end this podcast, I do I have to ask you one more question, Stacey. Is is how do you do you have any final tips, final like things that could help our listener who's either grieving or helping another friend get through their grief? Is there anything else you would like to say to them?
Speaker: 22:17
You know, we only go around once. You know, I know when you're younger, you there's a certain amount of feeling of being invincible. And, you know, at 50, at 50, almost 55, you know, I still feel that way, but life is flying by and my immortality is approaching. I would say that you would um tell the people that you love that you love them all the time. And don't be afraid to do that. Absolutely not. Because one of the things you go through when somebody dies is regret. And I tell people I love them all the time. Maybe it's selfish, but I do that because I don't want to feel bad if something happens to them. Uh they will know that I loved them and I will know that they knew that. And just enjoy life. It goes by so incredibly fast. And we are only here for a really short time. What you give out and life comes back. So you're good to others, others will be good to you, and be good to yourself, which is huge. Be good to yourself and don't be so hard on yourself.
Speaker 1: 23:26
That's amazing. And I want to say one thing is I do love my listeners. I love you guys for listening. I really appreciate you coming to the last episode of our season. It means a lot that if you have listened from the first episode to now, or even just if this is your first episode, anybody who bought our merch, I really appreciate you guys. And again, thank you so much, Stacey, for coming on this podcast and expanding this topic a little bit more for our listeners. I really do appreciate you.
Speaker: 23:50
Well, it was an honor, a pleasure. Thank you so much for asking.
Speaker 1: 23:53
Yeah, I just want to remind our listeners please, please, please remember you are not alone. And we hope to catch you guys soon on our next topic or next season.