Speaker: 00:03
YNA is a podcast that focuses on mental health and other aspects relating to what goes on inside a person's head. We are by no means professionals in this field and only aim to make these conversations about mental health easier for the listener. Nothing we say or talk about is professional advice unless explicitly mentioned. If you seek professional advice or experience symptoms of an actual mental health disorder, please contact a professional or visit your closest center for behavioral health. You are not alone.
Speaker 2: 00:30
Hello, hello, hello. Welcome back to You're Not Alone. This topic today is on divorce. We both have never been divorced. So the information that we will be giving is on divorce and to help someone who's going through a divorce. Or if you're, you know, one of the family members of being affected by the divorce. Being affected by a divorce, yep. I have my sister went through a divorce. Shine here has been has seen his parents be divorced.
Speaker 1: 01:04
Parents went through a divorce.
Speaker 2: 01:05
So we're just gonna give out information to help someone who's just maybe struggling through their divorce, family member through the divorce. I mean parents separating isn't easy. It's never been. Watching your parents argue and fight. My parents, I I saw the law. I I call my parents roommates. They aren't very they're not in a marriage anymore, as I can tell. They they love they love each other very much. But some statistics today more than 40% of all marriages still end in divorce. In the United States, the divorce rate has declined from an all-time high of about 50% in the 1970s and 80s. About 50% of American children will be witnesses to the breakup of their parents' marriage. Of these, nearly half will also see the breakup of a parent's second marriage as well. Which could be even tougher. Imagine going through two divorces. That's that's a whole different thing.
Speaker 1: 01:57
Yeah, it's gotta be tough. Like you're kind of going through different parents at that point, you know. Right.
Speaker 2: 02:07
You're gonna see your parents date other people and you're gonna meet a lot of other new p new people that come into your parents' lives, which is completely normal. Yeah, it's normal.
Speaker 1: 02:16
But it's not easy. Yeah, no, it's definitely not the easiest thing to do. I would say that going through a divorce, like being on the family side of it, it's like uncomfortable. And if like granted, like what when this happened, I was 22 at the time when my parents were splitting up, it's just it's almost like awkward, and you're not young enough to be like, oh shit, like crying about like everything and that's like going on, you know. You just kind of like internalize it and it affects you, but you're more uncomfortable over like anything, uh and any other type of like feeling. When my parents split up, they were pretty much on like good terms, so it's not like a bad divorce. Like, I mean, like I've I've heard some stories of people going through a divorce, the spouse like takes half of whatever they you know try to block them from seeing their kids, spread rumors, spread lies. In my case, it was a little bit more mellow. So it wasn't like we were traumatized, like me, me and my little brother, uh, who's 11, by the way. We weren't so much like traumatized, you know. For him, it's mostly just like okay, now he has more people to see, and he has like two houses that he can go to. Right. Which is crazy. Like my parents like spoiled the hell out of him. He's like as a lucky kid. But for me, I would say the way that I was traumatized by this instance was that when my mom decided to end things with my dad, she kind of gave me this like choice, like, oh, you can like stay here or you know, you can go with him. But if you stay here, like I'll charge you rent, like but whatever. It's it, I mean it that that part wasn't like traumatizing or anything, it just seemed pretty standard. But for for my situation, she she like acted at least like through my eyes, as if like I kind of wasn't a part of her family anymore, right? Which was it was pretty heartbreaking, you know. Um your own mother. Yeah, it was like my own mom. Um, and of course, like, you know, I I decided to uh stay with my my father. I used to be on uh various different uh like plans and like gym memberships with her, and she she took me off of all those, and she ended up putting the new person that she met on like the gym membership, basically like replacing me. So like for me, it was traumatic because it had almost seemed like I was replaced on that side of the family, which I mean it it sucked, you know, but I was like old enough to kind of like just internalize it, take it for what it is, and then stick to like doing stuff that like made me happier, do doing whatever. But in all honesty, like it's not such a a bad case of a divorce for like a kid. Like, of course, I've heard worse stories, yeah, people being abusive, things like that. So I would say I definitely got like the lighter or nicer end of the stick uh on that one. But it's definitely like tough, like even like little things like that can really like get to you, have a bad effect on you throughout your life and like how you view like your parents or whatnot. But yeah, uh if you are like a kid who's affected by divorce, just try not to like jump to the conclusion that, oh my god, it's like your fault, or like why is this happening? Like, I thought like they were supposed to love each other, I thought this this was supposed to happen. As you get older, you'll you'll you'll kind of like realize that people have their own relationships and they make like their own choices. And like you're gonna adults. They're they're adults, like you you just have to be okay with these things, and it it really shouldn't downplay things that you do within your life, you know. Like you could still go out and about, do things that you want to do, but also like in my case, like I felt like like my my mother had thrown me out, um, had replaced me. So I just chose to stay away from that. And it's yeah, it it it it's been a long time since I've I've talked to her because that just left such a negative kind of image in my mind. Yeah, you know, so like these things happen, like this is this is this these are just like a few examples of like negative effects that could happen like through divorce.
Speaker 2: 06:52
So I have nine red flags of what a divorce can come to, and let me know if you saw any of these in your family. So one of them is uh money, lack of intimacy, infidelity, abuse, lack of compatibility, physical appearance, addictions, getting married at an early age, getting married for the wrong reasons, lack of communication, lack of equality, and a loss of identity. Do you see do you did you feel like you saw any of those?
Speaker 1: 07:23
Uh I feel like I wasn't playing paying like too close of attention, uh, but I would definitely say, like, from what I've heard and like from what I saw, like lack of identity and also getting married at a young age. Because my my parents, I'm pretty sure they got married when they were 21, 22. Like they they're pretty young, you know. So it's just one of those things where they just jumped right into it, you know, which in in any case, like it's not good. Like, obviously, you you want to know your partner before you just jump into this long-term legal, legally binding deal, you know. Yep. Um, but yeah, definitely like a loss of identity and youth, I would say. And just kind of like jumping the gun and just going straight for it versus and like later on, uh, and and my parents were together for like around like 20, 21, 22 years. One of the big things, because of my parents kind of jumping the gun and getting into this early and like not really figuring out who they were, like 20 years down the line in this marriage, obviously, like one or two, two of them, or or the two of them felt differently than they had when like things first started, you know, and they just like started to realize that. So that's like I I I guess that's like a big thing.
Speaker 2: 08:46
Emotions do change. I feel like as you grow up, oh yeah, 100%. And a lot of and like you change with life, like your marriage will change as well. But you should be able to always remember like why you fell in love with that person in the beginning. Yeah. And someone's told me something extremely important. They said, um you know that person is the right one when you wake up next to them and you still feel like that giddy little schoolgirl from when you first met, and the butterflies are still there. That's when you know, like when you're still excited to see that person, and that excitement will always be there. And that's when you know.
Speaker 1: 09:26
Yeah, and I feel like a lot of from like a lot of things that I see in today's modern like social media or anything like that, like people kind of downplaying how great a relationship should be, or like how they'll find like negative things to be a common reoccurrence. Right. I'm trying to think of an example, like let's let's say, like, for example, like, oh, like, don't you hate when like your husband like does this, blah blah blah, like just like a vague example of something happening, and then people are like, ha ha, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's so funny. Like, they almost like glorify like negative things happening in a relationship. And I feel like in real life, like if you really care about somebody, like I guess those things do happen, but that doesn't build like a strong, solid relationship, like from what I've seen. Like, because I mean, like, I've seen my parents like do that stuff, and they're just like, ha, you're so nice, like you always do this, blah blah blah, but they just always like kind of joke about the bad things instead of just being like, Hey, like, I honestly don't really like that, like being like straight up, like one of the best things you could do when you're in a relationship, and and marriage, and marriage, you know, it's just to tell them like straight up, like, I don't like that. Yeah, you know, hey, could do you mind stopping that? It makes me like not at peace, or you well, whatever, you know.
Speaker 2: 10:47
Oh, yeah. And also the crazy thing is you can tell how someone's marriage is going simply by asking them one question, and that is, I'm about to get married. What do you think of marriage? And whatever response they give you is exactly how their relationship is going in their own lives. So if they come up with the response like, I love my marriage, marriage is great, like I really think you should do it. If you really think this person's the right one, then yeah, or if they respond with, I don't know how I feel, marriage is very different. Um, and they try to reflect on their own without explaining like that it's their that they're going through it, if that if that makes sense.
Speaker 1: 11:26
Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah, that definitely makes sense.
Speaker 2: 11:29
So some things that can we we focused on that was very difficult is helping someone go through a divorce. Like, what is it like being the person that's your best friend, and you see a best friend go through a divorce, and how you can help them? So we figured out there's a couple things you could say to them, and what's what's some good things to say to someone that's going through a divorce? Number one is I know it's hard on you, but it won't always feel this way. I'm sorry things ended for you too. Do you want to talk about it? And I think another thing I like to jump off of that one is do you want to talk about it or do you want to be distracted from it? Let's go grab dinner in a movie like old times. Do you need a place to stay? In the end, everything's going to be okay. Let's have a day out, just the two of us. I think that's also really important. Making sure you distract that person from what's going on in their head and the demons that they're fighting. You're a wonderful person, those a affirmations, making sure you tell them how you really feel about them. You're wonderful and you're loved. Let me recommend a therapist if you need one. That's always good too. Always recommend trying to give helping that person out by maybe helping them push that step of seeing a therapist. Um, show up, lend an ear, remain neutral, give your support, help with the move, bring some food and encourage an uplift and point out the positives. Pointing out the positives is extremely important because you make sure that that person is staying positive in their life because they're going through it. Marriage and a divorce brings so much strain on your mental health and that energy that you have, that negative energy that flows out of a divorce, especially a bad one. And being in the industry that I am, I always get the calls of client from clients that are speaking about their divorces and how difficult it is. And you and it does it does traumatize me and scare me from getting married because you hear the things you hear and you're just like, wow, that's that's that's what marriage is like, and it kind of just like pushes you away from like not wanting marriage, but you need to make sure that you're always there for that person and offering your mental health support, even though like your mental health may not be doing so hot, just being able to offer the positivity to that person could actually help better your own mental health as well. Just being there for that person is really important. Yeah, 100% agree with that. Well, thank you for listening. I just want to remind you, please, please, please remember you are not alone in this fight. I got your back. How does that sound, Shine? Sounds good. Thank you for joining us, everybody. Can't wait for the next episode, guys. See you soon.